Fastest, or the smartest....

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Namibia. He took his retired racing greyhound along for company. We all know what happens when greyhounds are not kept on a leash, and sure enough the dog starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a cheetah heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The greyhound knows he is the fastest dog in the world, but also knows that the cheetah is the fastest cat in the world... Spotting some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the cheetah is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious cheetah. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the cat halts his attack in mid stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the cheetah. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use, and trade it for protection from the cheetah. So, off he goes. But the greyhound saw the monkey heading after the cheetah with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the cheetah, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the cat. The cheetah is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The dog sees the cheetah coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, he sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get within hearing distance, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another cheetah, and he's still not back!!"
    
  

Set 'em up.... 
A greyhound walks into a bar, and orders a milkshake. The bartender stops cleaning the counter, and stares. The greyhound repeats the order and hands him a ten dollar bill, so the bartender slyly hands him a milkshake.

While the greyhound drank his milkshake, the bartender was thinking, "What would a greyhound know of money?" So, when he finished, the bartender handed the dog one dollar change, thinking he wouldn't know better, and pass this by.

So as to make small talk, the bartender said, "We don't get many greyhounds in here...", to which the greyhound replied, "Well, at nine dollars a milkshake, it's not surprising!"

 


Tell tail.... 
A man walked into a Western saloon and was amazed to see a greyhound sitting at a table and playing poker with three men. 

"Can that dog really play cards?" he asked. 

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a poker player," said one of the men. "Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail...." 
  

   
Backyard treasures....
This guy is walking down a back alley when suddenly he hears a voice, "Hey, come over here a minute." Looking around he can't see anything except this mangy old greyhound tied to a shed in someone's yard.

"Yeah, over here." Says the greyhound, "Look at the state of me. I'm stuck here in this yard when I could be out there winning races. I used to be a champion you know." The guy looks on in astonishment. A talking greyhound, this could be his ticket to millions. Everyone would want to see this. TV shows, maybe even films. This is my chance, he thinks, and walks up the yard to speak to the owner.

As soon as the owner opens the door, the guy asks, "Can I buy your dog?"

"Sorry buddy." Says the owner, "You wouldn't want that old mutt." "No really, I do" insists the guy. "Well, if you really want him," the owner goes on, "I can let you have him, but I've got to tell you you're making a big mistake."  "Why's that?" the guy asks.

"That dog's a liar. He never won a race in his life!"
   

Blind leading the???
There are these two guys, one with a Greyhound and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Greyhound says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Greyhound says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Greyhound puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A fellow at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Greyhound says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog." The fellow at the door says, "A Greyhound?" He says, "Yes, I’m a jogger, they're really very good." The fellow at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, what the heck, so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The fellow at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog." The fellow at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy says, "A Chihuahua? You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

  
The Fastest?
Some race horses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail. 

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has wandered in and is listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the Greyhound, "but in MY last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

"A talking dog."
 

  
Free drinks!
After a day at the races, this Greyhound walks into a bar to celebrate his birthday. The Greyhound  says, "Hey Bartender, it's my birthday, how about a drink?"

The bartender says, "No problem, the toilet's down the hall".....
 

  
The Friendly Skies....
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a Greyhound occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Flash, he is a sniffer dog, a retired racer. He is the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." 

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the Greyhound "Flash, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." The handler turns to the first man and says, "That means that woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 "Fantastic!" replies the first man. 

Once again the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places BOTH paws on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvellous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the Greyhound to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and defecates all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?" The handler replies: "He's just found a bomb!"